The hidden struggles and signs of parental favoritism in adulthood

Try living in a house where you’re always trying to be the best, so your parents love you. You may feel that when you become an adult, these feelings will naturally subside, but that is typically not how it works – the impact of parental favoritism continues to shape your emotional world and relationships. Generally, signs of parental favoritism in adulthood are too obvious to ignore, and the effect it has is always deep. In this piece, I will explore what causes it and how to recognize when favoritism is occurring. Moreover, you’ll also discover the impact of such circumstances in your adult life.

What causes parents to have favorites?

No parent chooses to be intentionally biased, but a variety of psychological and sociological factors lead down that path. Learning about these causes can help us understand why favoritism occurs and what we could do to address it.

Psychological Factors

• Portrait of Self. Parents see parts of themselves through the child (reliving their lives). That unconscious bias can translate to more attention, praise, and resources for that child. A parent who aspired to be a musician might, for example, only manifest their admiration and resources upon the child who chooses music.
• Shared Interests, Traits, or Values. A child who has the same interests, personality traits, and/or values as his/her parent would naturally get noticed and rewarded positively. Indeed, that similarity can give rise to a tighter bond, for better or worse, which will tend to make the parent favor time spent and love given to that child.
• Birth Order and Gender. The eldest child might get more attention because of the higher expectations that are placed on this one. Similarly, there are instances where gender can be a factor, due to the natural, societal, and personal detriment caused by sometimes having parents prefer one gender over another. For example, in some families, sons are the preferred child over daughters due to traditional gender inferiority.

Social Factors

• Cultural Expectation. In some cultures, boys are preferred over girls, and the traditional beliefs could result in favoring specific children because of cultural reasons. These cultural norms can also put pressure on parents to favor them, passing down favored status from generation to generation.
• Situationally-based Lack of Attention. If there is a family tragedy, such as an ill child, which requires the parent to spend more attention on him or her, this factor can inadvertently create a lack of time for other children and feelings of favoritism in those feeling neglected.
• Performance. A child grades top of his or her class at school, and the parents get an ego boost from their hard work. So, they continue pushing them to study harder and spend thousands on tuition enabling this “favored” kid further.

Signs of parental favoritism in adulthood

The first step in sorting through every issue is to determine the possible indicators. From there, you can understand its impact and how you can mitigate it. So, here are some key signs of parental favoritism in adulthood:

• Unequal Resource Distribution: If one of the siblings is always getting more money support, some special gifts, or a better inheritance this creates disparities in financial favoritism. Family is family, but it is not uncommon for some children to be “more favored” than others; ie., they are more loved and respected.
• Unequal Emotional Support: One adult child is favored over the others and receives more emotional support or encouragement than they do, causing them to feel as if their feelings are not valid compared to those of another sibling.
• Favoritism Outside of the Home: A favored child may be more likely to receive praise in public or have a role in family decisions as opposed to others who might get pushed aside.
• Unequal Chores: There is a tendency for more family chores to be assigned to the less favored child. For example, one child may be relied on to care for the aging parents or oversee the family business while more freedom and less responsibility is granted to the favored sibling.
• Frequent comparisons: Here parents will compare a sibling, emphasizing their good and positive traits only. Such comparisons can be damaging, constantly reminding us of incompliance and breeding resentment.

What are the effects of parental favoritism in adulthood?

The aftereffects of parental favoritism in adulthood can be difficult to overcome for adults, leading to impacts that are emotional, psychological, and relational.

Emotional Effects

• Low self-esteem: The unfavored child usually has to deal with a lack of confidence in themselves becomes a roadblock to their personal development, as they are afraid to take risks or pursue dreams with surety.
• Hostility and Anger: Unfavored children may develop long-lasting feelings of resentment against their parents as well as siblings. When experienced, these feelings can poison the family environment and lead to continual tension and a rupture within it.
• Emotional distance: This withdrawal from emotions prevents meaningful communication and connection, which in turn serves to fragment family relationships as well as potential romantic relationships.

Psychological Effects

• Depression and Anxiety: The feeling of not being good enough due to comparison can lead you depression and anxiety, impacting mental well-being. Chronic cases may be lengthy and complex, demanding prolonged treatment and regular therapies to cope with.
• Perfectionism: It is also common for the unfavored child to have perfectionist patterns to get some love from their parents. It can lead them to chronic stress and burnout. This pursuit of flawlessness can be tiring and unproductive, leaving us feeling like we haven’t achieved anything.
• Imposter Syndrome: Many will never feel good enough and live in fear of being a fraud. This can seriously hinder career development and self-happiness, where doubt in one’s capability constantly prevails.

Relational Effects

• Strain between Siblings: Sibling relationships already pose a difficult situation as it is, with each sibling vying for attention and living in the other siblings’ shadow. However, when favoritism enters into this equation well you can kiss those supportive and loving familial relationships goodbye.
• Trust Issues: Unloved children will grow up to think that real love (if there is such a thing) can only be bought and never would work. They believe that it’s just an illusion. This skepticism spills over into romantic relationships and friendships, too – making it hard to connect at a deeper level.
• Loneliness: An unhealthy bond with parents can cause one to feel lonely and has even led to many feeling abandoned within the family itself.

What are examples of parental favoritism?

Again, favoritism can look just about any way but usually follows a few specific traits.

• Economic Assistance: It can be in the form of full support for education, housing, or business yet others must find a way to earn their keep. This can lead to an enormous gap in opportunities and standard of living among siblings.
• Emotional availability: It is about listening to anything the kid is saying with an open heart, giving support in critical or supportive situations, and on the other side of the spectrum ignoring/dismissing another. These preferred emotional investments will inevitably make the unfavored kids feel isolated and overlooked.
• Family Chores: The golden child might not be required to help with family chores or get a much easier set of tasks than their other same-sex siblings. However, this unequal division of labor can foster ill will and a feeling of unfairness.
• Parties and Rewarding: One of the siblings might get a larger party on special occasions such as birthdays or accomplishments with fewer rewards for others. This can lead to the unfavored child feeling rejected, despised, and unimportant.

What happens when parents favor one child over the others?

We can easily upset family dynamics if we favor one child over another, and the fallout from this situation often has a lasting impact.

Family Dynamics

• Constant bickering: Siblings are always at each other throats, arguing and fighting with no sense of togetherness in the family. It results in continual conflict, even among family members and at any party, or in the interaction between two of them.
• Destabilized Family Roles: Normal family roles can break down and often it leads to the favored child doing less, while the unfavored kids carry more responsibilities. As these siblings struggle to pick up the slack, they are left feeling burnt out and resentful.

Sibling Relationships

• Compounded Sibling Rivalry: Instead of allies, sibling relationships can often become competition for approval and attention rather than emotional support. This encourages a spirit of hyper-competition to such an extent that it can undermine trust and counter-productive impulses against greater mutual support.
• Isolation and Alienation: Unfavored children may withdraw from the family to shield themselves from being constantly reminded of their less significant place.

Long-Term Consequences

• Increased Stress: The favored child is often expected to uphold incredibly high expectations meaning that they have a lot of pressure on them from those around them.
• Self Sabotage: Similarly, the unfavored child might feel like no one expects anything of them so they should avoid putting in any real effort to please their parents.
• Intergenerational Patterns: The effects of favoritism are known to spill over into future generations, as the favored child may also play favorites with their children. So, awareness and deliberate action are needed to break the cycle of treating all kids equally.

How to deal with parental favoritism as an adult?

So being on the receiving end of parental favoritism in adulthood has to do so much with understanding and self-awareness, communication, and growth. Here are some strategies:

1. Identify Your Feelings: Take the hurt and resentment you feel seriously. Allow yourself the room to have those feelings before you squash them all down. You can write them down or talk to a good friend so you can share those feelings and be able to understand how they are showing up in your life.
2. Go To Therapy: Vent and receive coping mechanisms in a safe space. A therapist can guide you in untangling familial ties and support emotional release.
3. Explain Honestly: Talk to your parents about how the favoritism impacted you. Give them feedback without sounding as if you are blaming the other person.
4. Set Boundaries: Draw the lines with your parents and siblings to keep from being emotionally overwhelmed. That may involve a scale back in communications, removing yourself from family get-togethers that evoke feelings of pain.
5. Take care of yourself: Do things that enhance your confidence and overall well-being. Hang out with good friends and have hobbies. Spend time doing things that help you relax, whether it’s taking up a hobby or meditation exercises.
6. Developing a Support System: Build healthy relationships where you feel acknowledged and respected. This may help combat the negative consequences of favoritism. Look for relationships, and friendships that serve as a source to find mutual respect and emotional support.

Takeaway: How should parental controls help in parental favoritism in adulthood?

Parental controls are more important than ever these days and can go a long way in helping manage or even prevent any inkling of favoritism. You can use tools like FlashGet Kids to be more in tune with your kids’ needs. This parental control solution will ensure that you’re not ignoring your child. Here is how exactly this app can help in parental favoritism.

• Equal Screen Time: Parental controls allow parents to give the same amount of screen time to each child, which lessens the perception that one gets more or better access than the others.
• Equitable Parental Assessment: Tools like FlashGet Kids are very useful for parents who wish to monitor all their kids fairly.
• Adaptable Parent Locks: Modern-day parental control tools run on personalized customizations for each child to meet their requirements, and no one, in particular, thinks they are treated unfairly. This might mean curating educational content and online resources that cater to the individual at their interest level and developmental stage.

Moreover, FlashGet Kids can give you an insight into your child’s browsing patterns and their interactions with online friends. These interactions and browsing patterns can give you a rough idea about whether or not your child feels neglected. From there, you can make the necessary adjustments to be more present in their lives. Hopefully, that will subside the impact of parental favoritism in their adult life.

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